Hello Everyone

I know it has been forever since I wrote on here. I have just been in a blah mood lately.. I feel like my world is falling apart and I can not stop it...

I have been dealing with a strange feeling toward my hubby. It seems everything he does pisses me off and it turns into a fight. I figured with both kids gone, we would get along better but things have not been better. I know he loves me and he tries to show it but I just blow him off. It is like I need to be alone for awhile and I don't like that feeling.. I know alot of the stress is just dealing with everyday life and trying to survive financial wise, but sometimes I just want to say piss on it and give and just stay in my house and be alone and not bothered with life...

I have sat and thought about it for awhile now and I think some of these feelings has to do with my son being at his dad's for so long. I know he needs to be with him when he can, but deep down I get the feeling that his dad is trying to talk him into moving with him and that bothers me. I can not talk to the X because he gets angry with anything I say about our kids. The sad thing is my son feels like he is in the middle he wants to make all of us happy. If the X could be resposible for the child it would be different but he was no common sense about rules or anything. My daughter is old enough to know what their dad is like, so she chooses not to go with their dad.

I have been trying to think positive about everything but sometimes it is to much to handle.. Do any of you know how I can shake these feelings because I do not like being like this..

Enough about me.... I hope you all have a fun, safe holiday weekend....

Sorry

I am so sorry for being away so long these days. I have been having a hard time dealing with things lately.. I promise to stop by and catch up on everyone's blogs... I will explain mor about me later.. I have to head off to work.

A fathers day

Since I don't have my dad with me anymore, I went to in my in-laws for most of the day. We had a BBQ and we had a good day... Normally I am so uncomfortable being there for long. But today it was not bad. My mother in law got to talking about about my daughters grad party next year and she actually told me she wanted to pay for the all of the graduation stuff.. I about crapped my pants.. She normally sends the kids money for b-day's and holidays and just because but for her to do this for my daughter that is not her real grandchild blew me away...

My relationship with her has not been the best and she has recently been ill and very close to death, but she pulled through.. Since she got well, her attitude has changed and she has been really friendly and it scares me..LOL when the relationship became strained, I was like screw her and I do not want to go there, but since changing a few things in my life, I have decided to kill her with kindness..LOL so far it has not been to bad...

Where I area that I live in I can look across the river and see canada(the indian reservation) and after we got home tonight, some kind of holiday must have been happening in canada because they was shooting off fireworks and we sat out in our yard and watched them, it was really nice..

I hope you all had a great weekend and enjoyed your time with you fathers or hubbys...

missing the kids

Well I know this is weird but I really miss my kids...LOL When they are here they drive me nuts.. ..
My daughter is off traveling with her b/f and his family and my son is with his dad.. My girl at least texts me but I have not heard from my son at all, I know he is having fun with his dad but dang he could miss me a little bit..LOL

It has been raining alot here the last two days and it is so muggy as heck... I did get to sit out by the lake for a little bit last night.. It was so relaxing and peaceful. I took my book and read for a few while enjoying the scenery..

I will write more later, I am in the middle of making rolled cabbage.... the hubby loves them, they are my favorite but what is a girl to do..LOL

To Much Thinking

I have had so many things flying around in my head lately, I don't know where to start...

The first thing I have been thinking about is my faith in god. I believe in god and always have and always will, I have to admit I have questioned his ways in the past few years when it comes to my life's path. I know people always say we make our own path's in life but I know God has his hand in it too.

I have struggled the last few years with alot of things that has happened in my life and I know alot of the choices I have made has not been the best. But I just wish if God is trying to tell me something then he needs to just come talk to me and let me know, because all this hardship is really taking its toll on me.. I have not been to a actual church in a long time, and I have been looking but there is no church that I feel comfortable with in my town. I want a church that is friendly and the people take the time to get to know you.

The second thing I have been thinking about is my health. I have asthma and have dealt with almost dying a few times. I was without insurance for a long time so I could not get my right meds, but my wonderful doctor found me a program that now I can get all my meds for free. Now the biggest thing is my weight, I have put on a few pounds since leaving my first husband and it is so hard to get them off. I have never been this big and it affects my breathing and sometimes I am ashamed of myself. I have decided to try and do some portion control and not snack after a certain time at night. I need to drink more water and stay away from the soda. It is so hard to eat the right things and lose the weight. so please pray that I can over come things road block and make myself better.

Just another Day....

Wow, it has been a few days since I last blogged and thanks to Dee is reminded me to get my butt over here and do some writing.

Well the last couple of days have been just busy, busy, busy. The kids finally got out of school for the summer on Tuesday. So I was worried that they were going to drive me nuts, saying there is nothing to do, but guess what both my kids left me for a few days. My daughter went with her b/f and his family and my son went with his dad. Your probably wondering why my daughter did not go with her dad too, well they do not get along.

Every since I dropped off my son to his dad, I have had this weird feeling, it is hard to explain. I just feel like my son forgets about me when he is with his dad. I know I am just being weird. It is just I do not want to lose my son. I can just hear his dad telling him stuff to make him hate me, and that worries me to high heaven.

How can I get over this feeling? does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?

I am not to sure what to even write about these days... I was thinking I have been reading alot of books, so I might just do a little book review now and then. We will see what happens....

Thank you Dee

I need to send out a thank you to a very good friend of mine Dee. We have been friends for a very long time, we have talked on the phone and wrote letters and talked online... we have never met in person but right from the start she has been a great friend. she has been there for me through alot of things that has happened in my life.

she got me into this blogging thing and she created my page for me. She told me that writing would be good therapy for me, at first I was not to sure about it, I feel that I can not express my feelings in a way that they should be, but she said do it any way, so here I am...

Dee I want to send heart felt THANK YOU for being a great friend and sticking by me.... (((DEE))))